My battle with Post-Natal Depression

I have suffered from depression most of my life stemming from issues in my childhood. The NHS states that parents who have suffered from depression are likely to experience post-natal depression, combine that with the fact that as a PCOS sufferer, symptoms can include anxiety and depression meant that I was almost certain to suffer the same.

As soon as we found out I was pregnant, I was referred to a consultant to monitor my depression. I initially didn’t have any issues with my mental health. The three months mark came and passed. I did research and found out that women with PCOS have a 50% chance of miscarriage within the first four months comparing to 14% within the first three months of a textbook pregnancy.

At our 20 week scan, we were told there could be issues with Ben’s health. They told us his nuchal fold was thicker than they would like which could mean Ben had Downs Syndrome. For me, this was a shock as everything had run so smoothly, but I tried to remain positive. It didn’t matter what Ben had, all that mattered was that we had the right support networks in place for him and for us. We went for a further scan the next day and were assured that everything was ok and the nuchal fold measurement was fine.

I do think in hindsight this was the start of developing ante-natal depression. I didn’t know this existed but it does, and I was diagnosed with this. Shock horror if you suffer this then there is AGAIN an increased chance of post-natal depression.

At the beginning of March we were involved in a car crash where the van crashed into my side of the car which made Ben go into distress and required monitoring. Followed by a major fall out with my brother which ended up with placid me telling him to come round and we’ll have it out – those pregnancy hormones really make you bulshy!

Easter Monday was the day where me and Ash realised that something needed to be done. I had refused anti-depressants throughout the pregnancy but wallowing in my room refusing to get out of bed was not me. Ash contacted the midwife who was amazing, she arranged for an emergency appointment for the next morning to discuss my mental health.

I felt like I finally could feel better, I had no reason for the depression; but I could help feeling so low. So off we trot to the midwife appointment to have nothing mentioned about the call the previous day; it was just a routine check up. I was fuming. I then noticed the midwife we saw had written in my notes “mother feels ok” SERIOUSLY??!!

I made an appointment with my GP for the next day and was given tablets. Within two weeks I felt so much better, and I was annoyed I refused the tablets for so long, however only taking them for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy limited the chance of side effects.

The birth and labour was traumatic. I endured 96.5 hours of my back locking every time I contracted and the midwives kept sending me home as I wasn’t progressing. I kept saying it was due to my back locking therefore I was in too much pain to progress; however they were the experts therefore what they said went.

Due to the long labour it is thought that it is the reason why Ben couldn’t breathe on his own and required to go into NICU. I am not seeking sympathy as compared to others in there Ben was barely ill. Within 24 hours he was off of oxygen and was kept in there until he showed signs of feeding independently. However it was not nice seeing your baby in an incubator with tubes and wires covering his body.

This coupled with ear infections, eye infections and mastitis, it is no wonder my ante-natal depression turned into post-natal depression. I went from loving my pregnant body to loving how quickly my body snapped back into a reasonable shape within the first two weeks and my boobs got even bigger with the milk coming in. But then it started to go downhill very rapidly.

I felt my belly hadn’t returned fast enough (I’ve gone up to a size 14 when I could fit comfortably in a non-maternity size 10 when at full term) I tried to shower and put on clean clothes everyday but the older Ben got, the less time I had to poo let alone get washed and dressed!,

Being restricted as to what I can do in the daytime has meant the house is cleaned by the hubby when he gets back from work therefore by the time he sits down its Bens bedtime and I’m currently the only one who actually gets him to sleep (Ben laughs when daddy tries). So it’s usually 8pm by the time I get some adult time and due to hubbys work he goes to bed a little while after.

Being a mum has opened up a whole new side to life that no one tells you about until you’re in the club and then everyone is all like “yeah I totally get that too!” I have plans to write another post soon with things about parenthood that is not mentioned until you discover it. So when I finally get time to do it I will (currently been trying to write this piece for six hours in between nappy changes, failed attempts at feeding, many repeated singing sessions, two naps; Ben not me and several wash loads)

I feel like I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day as my day consists of the same chores, the same to programmes and the same failed attempts at eating lunch (my day now only has breakfast and dinner)

Trying to be positive about a child you’ve been so desperate to have but knowing I wouldn’t be in this mental state if he wasn’t here is hard. There are days when I hate myself for wishing I didn’t have a child, but there are other days when I thank every god that exists that I was fortunate enough to have a child who looks at me with such love.

I just wish that there was a better support network out there for parents with PND. The NHS has things in place such as extra support from health visitors, but mine would always turn up nearly an hour late, pressure me into going to breastfeeding groups and make me feel bad that Ben was underweight (even though given his NICU experience they said it was normal to be behind other babies). My 6 week check up was all about Ben, not me. So it was only when I made a separate appointment did they up my medication dosage which still isn’t working as I still feel low. There has been no counselling suggested or a follow up appointment by my GPs which just shows that although the NHS has things in place they are not being utilised due to budget constraints and with SMP it is near enough impossible to cover our regular bills, let alone consider going private.

I still feel like an awful mother – even though my child sleeps for nearly 10 hours straight every night and eats like a horse. However I know from previous experience that I won’t feel better until something changes. So therefore I have decided to return to work 2 months earlier than planned. Hopefully returning to work will make me feel better in myself. Having some adult conversation and me time should be what is needed to start making me feel happier. (I’ve only had two occasions where I’ve been without Ben and both times I stayed at home.

I suppose my main question is, how can a parent be truthfully honest about their thoughts and feelings with their PND without the fear of social services getting involved? Surely that puts the fear of God into people and in turn makes matters worse?